By Bhavna Bhatia, junior
Prom is a mandatory dance held in the United States, Canada, Greece, Uzbekistan, Kurdistan and some villages in the outskirts of Madagascar. Every spring, indigenous creatures known as “high school students” get dressed up in hopes of impressing each other. It’s important to know exactly how to behave at a social gathering such as this because prom is one of the last impressions you will leave on the rest of your graduating class. We have graciously gathered some tips on how to survive prom without permanently tarnishing your reputation.
- Get your date’s name tattooed on yourself — With the hustle and bustle of a hectic prom schedule, it’s really hard to keep it together. You have enough to worry about; the last thing you need is your date getting lost. This is why it’s a great idea to get your date’s name, address, cell phone number and Facebook profile picture tattooed on your body. That way, there’s no way you’ll ever lose each other.
- Ask a complete stranger you met on the street to be your date — When prom is a week away and everyone you know is either taken, sick, or avoiding you, don’t worry. The streets are crawling with perfectly eligible prom dates. The man sitting outside your local grocery store even comes with his own cardboard sign! You can’t go wrong.
- Bring your dog as a date — Dogs are the best. They’re great companions and love to play. You’ll definitely raise the “woof” with your furry friend. You won’t even have to worry about taking care of him because his head will be in the punch bowl the entire time anyway. And imagine how cute your date will be when he pees everywhere.
- Set yourself and everything around you on fire — Whether you’re bored, it’s cold outside, or you’re just not feeling the atmosphere, there are many different reasons why playing with fire is a good idea. There is nothing socially unacceptable or even remotely dangerous about setting things on fire, and anyone who tells you otherwise has probably never experienced the joy of playing with fire.
- Give yourself a haircut before prom — No one knows your style better than yourself so why not cut your own hair? Grab a pair of scissors and start snipping away. If you’re feeling particularly zealous, you can also dye your hair a funky color of your choosing.
- Avoid Showers — You have enough stress to deal with before prom. The last thing you need is to be delayed because you took too long in the shower. You’re probably not even that dirty. Just saturate every inch of your body with perfume. Personal hygiene is pointless and unnecessary.
- Flirt with your date’s mom — Let’s face it, your parents are vicariously reliving their prom experiences through you. They’re probably more excited than you are. It’s only considerate of you to show the woman who created your date some respect. Keep in mind that this technique tends to work better for guys than for girls; and guys, do remember that this article isn’t responsible for any physical injury your date’s father might cause you.
- Chivalry is overrated — Hey guys, equal rights are really important to women. So it’s crucial that you don’t do anything that makes you look like an anti — feminist. Don’t even think about opening doors or pulling out chairs for her. She can do that herself. This is the 21st century and women are now more independent than ever. Just treat her like you would treat your guy friends. Instead of buying her roses, give her a toolbox and a slap on the back. Being a feminist will score you some major points with your date.
- Complain about everything — Prom is supposed to be the greatest night of your life. There is no reason why everything shouldn’t go according to your plan. Make sure you criticize everything and everyone in the most condescending way possible. After all, you’re probably too good for this place and these people. You deserve to be treated like the king or queen you are. Your friends are just inferior… that’s why you don’t have any. Don’t worry; it’s not you, it’s them.
We hope this article gave you some ideas to make your prom truly unforgettable. And if you’re wondering, it’s not too late to ask that guy outside the grocery store to be your date. Just make sure you don’t scare him away by showering right before you leave. Cleanliness tends to put people off.