Hiring Hollywood


As you reach for the handle of the door, you remind yourself that not all visits to the principal’s office are bad news. The door creaks open, but to your astonishment, or maybe horror, you don’t see Ms. Pawlikowski sitting behind the desk, but rather the most eccentric celebrity that you know.

If the principal of JP Stevens were…

Miley Cyrus: Her presence would surely hit JP like a wrecking ball. As the type of celebrity who likes to shake things up, she would tear the page about dress code out of the JP handbook and proclaim a revolution on the issue of outfits. She would mistakenly think that many students had followed her example by cutting their hair short and bleaching it blonde. And of course, school dances would be sights to behold. Principal Cyrus would encourage students to express themselves through creative dance moves, crying out, “It’s our party, we can do what we want!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger: A-body-builder-turned-Hollywood-actor-turned California-governor. Could you ask for a more daunting principal? If the king of cheesy one-liners were JP’s principal, the school’s weight room would receive a massive makeover; it would become a world-class fitness center occupying an entire wing of the school. His favorite saying would be, “Hasta la vista, bullying!” Mr. Schwarzenegger would give advice to the theater department, insisting that “it’s all in da one-liners, kids!” Moreover, students would end up adding “Schwarzenegger” to their computer’s dictionaries so that auto-correct can spell it out for them.

Lady Gaga: She would demand only one thing from her students: not respect, not honesty,but applause. Lady Gaga would refer to students as her “Little Monsters,” and she would onlyrespond to the name “Mother Monster.” Whenever teachers call the office, she would pick upand reply, “Stop calling, stop calling. I don’t want to talk anymore!” She would put a gaga spinon the school’s fashion and design courses, and then add them to the required curriculum.With her influence, students would start coming to school dressed in what might normally beconsidered Halloween costumes.

Kanye West: Instead of inspirational quotes by influential people, students would find Kanye’s most famous, and most infamous, Twitter posts adorning the hallway walls. As a self-proclaimed “non-reader of books,” Kanye would shut down the library and rework the entire academic curriculum. In a few years, students in child development classes would get a chance to watch little North West grow up… and a little to the left. During standardized tests, Kanye would come on the PA and say, “Yo, JP, I’m really proud of you. I’ma let you finish, but my new single on Yeezus is one of the best of all time! I know, I’m a God.”

You quickly shake your head and rub your eyes. As your vision refocuses, Ms. Pawlikowski reappears behind the desk. As she greets you with a smile, you mutter to yourself with a sigh of relief, “Thank goodness.” Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep last night, or perhaps it was just a trick of the light. The good news, however, is that the principal of JP Stevens has not been replaced by a wacky celebrity.

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