By KRUTI SITWALA, sophomore
Every student must learn how to procrastinate correctly; it is an unstipulated requirement to survive high school. The average teenager, however, has trouble procrastinating effectively. Luckily, you have stumbled across this all-inclusive guide that will help you become a better procrastinator today—or tomorrow, or maybe next week.
Adopt a motto. We all need a source of inspiration to remind us of our goals. Try selecting a quote from someone you admire. Here is one in particular that you might want to keep in mind: “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.”
Stay organized. Diligently record all homework and projects in your planner throughout the day. This way, you have a detailed list of exactly what not to do. Whether it is a stack of worksheets or a room that needs cleaning, always be mindful of what not to do next. If you are able to truly master this technique, soon you will be too lazy to even update your to-not-do list.
Be creative. Trash the old excuses. Now is the chance to demonstrate your keen sense of imagination. You can’t clean your room you because the dust underneath your bed will cause you to have a terrible allergic reaction. So terrible, in fact, that you won’t be able to finish your English essay. Speaking of essays, you shouldn’t start that either because you’re better at writing when the sun is shining, and right now a cloud just happens to be blocking the sun’s inspiring light from reaching your window. How unfortunate!
Find a hobby. A good student is a well-rounded student. Everyone should have something to be passionate about. Use procrastination as an opportunity to explore the more eccentric activities in life. Reading, playing sports, and listening to music are so overrated; why not watch blades of grass grow, or see how long you can sit in a bathtub? With time, you will be too engrossed in your many hobbies to make time for anything else.
Make friends. What’s better than sitting around doing absolutely nothing? Doing it with friends, of course! So rise to the occasion and let your leadership qualities shine by creating a Procrastination Support Group. Now you can interact with others and meet people who share the same “hobbies” as you. You will absolutely love having the same conversations with your friends week after week—“Do you want to go to dinner sometime?” “Yeah sure, but maybe next weekend instead.” “Sounds good!”
Frequent the refrigerator. This step is perhaps the easiest to follow since many of us raid the kitchen on a regular basis anyway. With nothing better to do, we often resort to stuffing our faces. This will not only quell your boredom, but also fill your stomach. Clearly, this step yields a win-win situation.
Do your research. While working on homework or projects, you will undoubtedly click astray and find yourself in rather unacademic places on the internet. Once you’ve forgotten about the assignment that you were working on, the real research begins. Perhaps you might start with intensive background checks on all your friends’ new “boo-thangs” via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Next, you might head over to Tumblr and lose yourself in the abundance of conveniently classified blogs about kittens and food. Before you know it, the sun will be up and your homework will still be sitting on your desk, unfinished.
Build your stamina. Endurance is an admirable trait. Participate in several marathons of binge-watching, the highly addictive act of viewing back-to-back episodes of your favorite television shows. Impressive dedication and speed are required to keep up with multiple television shows at the same time. Nonetheless, binge-watching is a ridiculously addictive way to help you procrastinate.
Take the philosophical approach. In a world full of uncertainties, all ideas are subjective, and all descriptions are relative. Who is to say that you can’t be “busy” doing nothing, or that your “short” nap can’t last more than four hours? Once you have convinced yourself that there is no need to do “real” work, you become free from life’s unfortunate obligations. Think of it as attaining enlightenment through procrastination.
And finally, you must repeat. As with all things, the best procrastinator is the most consistent procrastinator. You must never lose sight of the ultimate goal—to delay your goals. Continue repeating these steps as many times as you deem necessary, and you will be well on your way toward a life filled with the joys—and, eventually, terrible regrets—of procrastination. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.