By TANYA BALARAJU, senior
Girls have a fair share of first world problems. The occasional rain shower may prevent droughts and famines, but the crimes it commits against long, meticulously styled hair will forever remain unforgivable. When it comes to stereotypes, girls are constantly trying to walk the fine line between extremes like “having no sense of humor” and “being too silly.” (For the record, high heels do not make that walk any easier.) Given all the daily frustrations of the female population, it… might seem as… though a guy’s life is relatively simple. But is it really?
When it comes to female wardrobes, Mary Poppins’ purse was possibly the most realistic component of her costume. It’s well known that the average girl can probably.. survive an.. entire winter… on the books, food, water, makeup, cash, extra change of clothing, and umbrella that lie in the depths of her seemingly small handbag (not to mention a pair of ballet flats to relieve those stiletto-worn feet). However, while a girl can conceal her entire lifestyle within a purse, her male counterpart would be lucky to survive math class with the pencil and calculator he somehow stuffs into his back pocket. After all, using a purse for other belongings is out of the question for guys; only the smoothest of male hipsters can pull off an across-the-chest “murse.” The rest of the male population, meanwhile, is doomed to carry the bare necessities of student life in their weary arms and sagging pockets.
But do guys really need the extra storage space? It’s not as though they would need a purse to store their makeup; such girlish amenities aren’t exactly everyday options for most males. This in itself provides another struggle: there is very little that a young man can do to conceal all-nighter-induced dark circles or cover up the gargantuan blemish that decided to make a guest appearance on his forehead one fine morning. Without makeup or a purse to store it in, our tragic hero has no option but to wear that zit and his other insecurities with unabashed pride.
Wait, scratch that—real men don’t have any insecurities whatsoever. Real men, according to most of society, are strangers to emotion. So boys, hold in those tears as you draw a blank on your midterm. You got rejected by both your dream school and your dream date on the same day? Play it cool; you weren’t that interested in either of them, anyway. You see, you are above all weakness. You carry all your groceries home in one trip and show none of your inner anguish when you watch for the fiftieth time as Mufasa dies in The Lion King. Fake it ‘til you make it—until you, sir, are the epitome of the unfazed man.
However, no matter how well you conceal your emotions, you must make an exception for love, because guys, it’s your job to make the first move. For senior boys in particular, the pressure is closing in; if you expect to be remembered by your date, you must come up with an elaborate “promposal”—complete with music, video cameras, and possibly a flash mob—that leaves every other girl lost for weeks in jealous daydreams of her own Prince Charming coming to sweep her off her feet. No pressure, of course. It’s not like the idea of a strong, chivalrous prince whisking a princess off her feet has been a motif throughout the ages. Sarcasm aside, until you do as Sebastian the Crab says and “kiss da girl,” your real-life Ariel is probably not going to make a move on you anytime soon.
So unless a guy can look good without trying, slip smoothly past emotions as though they don’t exist, and charm his crush with a flawless prom proposal, all while managing to get through the day with whatever bare necessities he can fit in his pockets, he might not be as lucky as girls often like to think he is. But I digress. There’s no room to think about such things; a truly manly man doesn’t think to complain when something goes wrong—not even when his elaborate proposal ends with a cringeworthy rejection.
Like I said… no pressure.