By ERIC LI, FRESHMAN

For all of our high school lives we have been told to get adequate sleep every night in order to succeed in school. We have believed that sleep makes us more attentive and active in class, leading to better grades. However, a scientific study has just been revealed showing absolutely no relationship whatsoever between the amount of time students sleep and their grades. It is a shocking contrast to our prior beliefs.

Dr. N. Somnia, who earned a PhD from his studies at Slumber University, was an integral part of this study. Somnia attributes much of the success of this study to his education at Slumber, which is the #1 human dormancy research school in the world. He collected data from 1,000 randomly selected high school students around the United States and analyzed it at Slumber. Somnia describes the revelation as “unusual and astonishing,” but remarks that the facts are impossible not to believe. “ In looking at the data we’ve collected, there is simply too much variation to be able to determine any relation between the two variables,” Somnia comments. “While it may be difficult to believe, we have received data from students claiming to have averaged 4 hours of sleep or less a night, but have straight A’s.” Though he also noticed that a surprisingly high number of students stated they had straight A’s, he claims, “I have no doubt in the trust we place in our students to provide us with accurate data. We found no need to go through the hassle of asking for transcripts.”

With news of this discovery spreading all over the country, kids have taken to a new level of nocturnality, and many high school students have openly and happily admitted to sleeping no more than two hours a night since; some have even reported to regularly “pulling all-nighters,” high school terminology for not sleeping at all.

“It’s a great discovery for kids like us,” one particularly ecstatic student said. “It opens up so much time for us, so now we can just go out at night when we’d normally have to sleep, Being able to meet up with your friends every single night relieves so much stress.”

Even a straight A+ student was on board with the discovery, despite previously being accustomed to a routine of sleeping no later than 9 p.m. every night. “If an esteemed scientist has proven sleep has no correlation with my grades, then why not?” she commented. “Less sleep gives me much more time to study, and since I can study later, the information stays in my mind better as it carries into the school day than if I had only reviewed the material the day before.”

The response from the students has been unanimously positive, whether the extra time is used for enjoyment or studying. Letters of appreciation from many students have been received by the Somnia’s group. As for the parents, some are of course slightly concerned, but most are convinced that their children will be just fine.

“When my son leaves randomly in the middle of the night, my first instinct is to get a little anxious, but now I have no worries about his lack of sleep,” the father of a high school student remarked. “Well, he does seem to be more tired nowadays, but if he’s happy and he’s still getting good grades, I don’t mind one bit. After all, if it’s in Nature, it must be fine!”

While it has only been a few weeks since Somnia’s article was published, teachers and staff have noticed students constantly dozing off in class, but they are confident that their students will still maintain their academic performances. Students themselves have a reason to remain confident in their abilities despite minimal sleep, and the staff are looking forward to their next assessments to see if this holds true.

Disclaimer: This fictional article in no way or form intends to support or dissuade certain sleeping habits.