Features

New year’s resolutions

By GRACE CHUNG

As New Year celebrations wrap up, many prospective individuals begin to form their New Year’s resolutions, swearing their undying loyalties to schedules and to-do lists in attempts to accomplish their goals. However, others insist that resolutions are irrational and in actuality very much unachievable. Though this might be true in some instances, worry not, for there’s still hope. With a little guidance, you will succeed on your journey to triumph. The keys to conquering your New Year’s resolutions can be found right here.

To begin, let’s address those stressing…

Worried about your low grades? Keep in mind that therapy is expensive. Bubble wrap is cheap. It’s your choice.

If you’re fed up with that one annoying kid on the bus, just remember that silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

Can’t seem to wake up early? Keep in mind, though the early bird gets the worm, the late mouse gets the cheese. So just sleep in.

…and those who want to be a tad bit healthier.

If you want to “lose a couple,” be aware that the center of donuts are one-hundred percent fat free.

For those attempting to diet, never go back for seconds. Simply cram everything you want to eat all onto your plate the first time—it’s quite an exercise.

If you feel insecure about your body, don’t worry. You’re always in shape. Any shape.

A good rule to follow, food junkies: if your hand can’t fit into the Pringles can, it’s time to stop and take action.

For those trying to make it in the real world…

If you’re thousands of dollars in debt, need to pay your mortgage, and are on the verge of losing your cable subscription for the month, borrow from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

It’s all right if you don’t like math, as long as you’re fine with counting your money.

Having too much on your plate is totally fine, too. Just remember to never do the whole job when half will do. Be economical.

…and the lazy ones.

Being a couch potato isn’t that bad. Since the calories burned while watching a two-hour long horror movie is equivalent to the amount burned during a 30 minute-long walk, you can take your pick.

Here’s a piece of inspirational advice: to exercise means to die healthier and you only live once! If you ever feel like working out, just do it in the morning before your brain wakes up and realizes.

A tribute to those who don’t really create resolutions lists…

Want to become an athlete? Try licking your tongue. And then your elbow.

Interested in becoming musically talented? Master the art of playing the piano. With mittens on.

Make a resolution to make a resolution this year. See, you’re already making progress!

…and last but not least, for all those who simply wish they were better.

Nobody’s perfect.

These tips are bound to be of great assistance to anyone struggling with their resolutions. However, as wonderful as these pointers may be, many people will inevitably fail. If this happens remember to take a break and continue pursuing the impossible. After all, if at first you don’t succeed, try and try and try and try and try until you do.

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