Fashion faux past


These are the musing of a hermit who finally crawls out of her reclusive hut to explore and discover modern society.

I had only stepped out of the safety of my beloved home today to taste the much Instant-grammed Starbucks pumpkin spice latte. But, to my utter dismay, it was not long before I realized that drastic changes in the fashion trends of society had occurred since I last ventured out.

While on my way to Starbucks, I passed by several women dressed in extremely short tops that barely covered their midriffs. I knew of the recent Great Recession, but could it be that many people were still feeling its effects? Did older sisters really have to share apparel with their younger siblings because they could not afford clothing for themselves? Adding to the scene of poverty were the many people wearing tattered jeans! Everywhere I looked, there were ripped and holey pants sported by people of all ages. If I had only known about the widespread destitution before I ventured out, I would have brought my wholesome pairs of bell-bottom jeans and gently worn flannel shirts, and donated them to these unfortunate individuals.

After finally arriving at Starbucks, I got in line to order my beverage when, to my surprise, I noticed that almost all the other occupants were wearing thickly framed glasses. Deemed “hipster” or “nerd-faux,” such glasses took up half their wearers’ faces and gave them bug-eyed appearances. Scared senseless by the mass of bug clones, I carefully inched closer to the cashier, hunched over the counter, and nervously whispered my wish for a cup of pumpkin spice latte to the barista. At least he was still wearing a fashionable piece of clothing: a stylish green visor.

As I waited for my cup of heavenly delight, I stared at the ground, trying to avoid awkward eye contact with an insect lookalike. With my gaze cast downwards, I was amazed to find evidence that America had finally begun shedding its weighty reputation as the tubbiest nation in the world. I couldn’t help but notice that with their rapidly shrinking waistlines, men were walking around with their trousers sagging below their undergarments. Was it a modern custom to proudly display one’s “before” jeans, on their “after” body? I had mixed feelings about this progressive outlook on body image because it seemed to have spawned a conservative counteraction: tighter pants! Those wishing to oppose the “sagging pants” movement retaliated by pinching the seams around every nook and cranny. I trembled at the thought of societal clash between the saggy and the secure.

But to my relief, I also caught sight of a clever fashion innovation: a crossover between sneakers and heels. What could these possibly be called? Sneels, heelkers? Chuckling to myself at the novelty of the twenty-first century, I was happy to find something I could finally comprehend. Athletic wear with four-inch boosts combined active footwear with avant-garde sophistication—I decided to call it “fitness chic.” This innovation seemed like a brilliant solution to aid all short people looking to tone their calves and heighten their workout experience! At a dismal 5 feet and 1.9 inches, I resolved to order these shoes on the Interwebs at once.

When the barista finally called out my order, I eagerly stepped up to the counter and took my drink. I cherished the steaming, spicy goodness and reflected upon my brief but startling encounter with the fashion of modern society. I might need another Venti pumpkin spice latte before I’m ready to venture out into the streets again.

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