By ANEESH DESHPANDE, senior
Winter has arrived; the leaves have fallen, the days are getting shorter, and the school-wide desperation for air conditioning is changing into prayers for heating. But what’s important about 2015 is not winter, or even the year at all—what’s important about 2015 is the fact that 2016 comes right after it, a fact that means election time is here! It is exhausting spending over a year speculating about who will lead our country for the next four years, but this cycle’s plethora of candidates does not disappoint. Each candidate brings a unique perspective, and this year’s pool is arguably the most entertaining in recent memory. But what would it be like if these candidates were running not for the presidency of our country, but for that of JP Stevens?
Let’s start with Curly Friorina. She’s the one outspoken candidate who is extremely concerned about an alleged video showing JP students cheating off one another, even though others claim that the video just shows a classroom lesson. Despite arguments that the video is clearly an instructional clip on classrooms, Friorina still criticizes the people in the video for their misconduct. Her passion for non-issues, such as JP’s lack of clubs and riotous pep rallies (neither of which exists) is appreciable, but such enthusiasm is misplaced. Do not count her out, though; dozens of students will eagerly believe anything they hear, and Friorina will remain competitive for at least the next few weeks.
However, at least Friorina has declared that she is running; she is slowly building her support base with memorable quips and speeches. On the other hand, a large majority of students out there want the undecided Still Biding to run. Biding has a lot of experience helping out around the school, a good relationship with the student body, and a stellar personality. Though he worked under the last, highly controversial Student Council president, he seems to genuinely care about the students and has called for the renovation of the Student Action Committee. However, it took Biding months to decide whether or not he wants to run. Despite his indecision, it is remarkable that Biding is still relevant even without being on the ballot.
The next candidate is Ben Arson. He is convinced that having a 4.0 GPA and straight A’s in AP Biology somehow makes him qualified to run JP Stevens. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t, but many voters mistake biological knowledge for genuine leadership skills. Students continue to fawn over him because they think his numbers validate his ticket. He will say outrageous things, offend numerous students, and continue to gain more and more support.
One of the front-runners for this upcoming election is Ha Ha Clinton Dix. She has had substantial positive and negative experiences with past Student Council administrations. But her latest achievements have been overshadowed by some secret dealings done on the school computers. Faculty are trying to sort through her records, but they have had little luck so far. Dix has also confused some of her supporters by parading around school with her a brand-new cohort: the popular kids. She has spoken extensively about ending the class stratification, but so far her actions do not match her words. Students are undecided about the benefits she offers the school in light of some of her shadowy past and present actions.
But the best candidate by far is currently topping the polls. This candidate is known for bullying his competitors and focusing on their flaws instead of actually making plans to help the school. Yours truly, Ronald McDonald Dump. Dump claims that everything that could possibly go wrong with the school has already come to pass. We are all destined for failure over the next four years, and every other candidate is ugly, dumb, and simply not up for the job. He will call out our lack of sanitary facilities, our ever-growing paper shortages, and the seemingly reduced lunch sizes, but will not offer any legitimate means of fixing these “glaring issues.” To add to his impressive repertoire, Dump has absolutely zero political experience (a common theme in this election). Regardless, a large number of students will love him for his bluntness, and everyone else will scratch their heads trying to figure out why. He’ll lead polls, lead the masses, and possibly lead JP.
With elections just around the corner, who will you vote for?
*Ben Carson, not Ben Arson