By VICTORIA CHANDRA, senior
There is a massive problem today among technology users, who constitute a majority of the population: the demand for instant gratification, granted by electronic devices, is slowly tearing away at the fabric of our society. Our attention spans last for 0.1 seconds before we turn to other distractions—oh, look at that cute cat video! Pictures, instead of words, are now the desired visual feast; after all, pictures can convey one thousand words more quickly than one thousand words can. But with this restlessness, is it possible to remain concentrated in a world overflowing with information? In the face of this seemingly insurmountable obstacle, I have come to the conclusion that my fellow sufferers and I must dismantle our technologies and bury them in remote locations. By doing so, we will finally be able to focus on gaining real experiences with friends and family and forego short-term pleasure for long-term success.
Above all else, burying our technological devices will enable us to become culturally-aware individuals. By traveling to remote locations without our devices and without the assistance of Google Translate, we will experience the ultimate adventure that bloggers have been dreaming about since Eat, Pray, Love. Who knows how many new friends you’ll make when you accidentally call yourself a jelly donut? A truly cultural education begins with travelling (and lots of hand gestures). Brushing aside wilderness and possible diarrhea runs, a real ethnic curriculum waits for us at the end of the unpaved road.
This solution is beneficial not only for our society, but also for Earth as a whole. By forgoing the vast amounts of electricity required to run multiple devices simultaneously, we can finally give Mother Earth a break from carbon emissions. For the sake of our planet, we should bury all our expensive equipment in the ground and hope that someone will eventually uncover them. More importantly, we will greatly reduce manufacturing costs: by burying billions of tonnes of plastic and metal devices in the ground, we will be successfully returning many of the materials we took from the earth back to it. Our efforts will show future generations that it is, in fact, possible to return materials to the earth. By returning materials to the earth, we are restoring natural balance.
When the concerns over dwindling resources are finally put aside, future archaeologists will be able to uncover the vintage technology of the 21st century. This is our chance to educate the future! Think of how your grandmother takes out her high school graduation photo and you admire how great she looked in black and white contrast; or when you inherit your great-great grandfather’s daguerreotype and you appreciate how long it took for film to develop. In future generations, you will be able to laughing baby videos and the Kardashians with your grandchildren.
I have poured blood, sweat, and tears into this incredibly complex proposal, and doubt that anyone could come up with such a more profound, fitting answer. Let no one speak of other possible ideas: of disabling all WiFi connection, of turning off phones and computers, of escaping to technology-free resorts, of practicing yoga exercises during breaks in constant entertainment, or of visiting a hypnotist to break the vicious cycle.
I have no ulterior motive in proposing this solution, other than promoting the welfare of society. I, too, will have to abandon my devices—I have already booked a ticket to Guatemala and I am heading out to buy a shovel and three months of rations right now. The abandonment of technology is the only solution that may fix the dire situation we are in; for this solution to work, everyone must sacrifice something—even that precious cat vine you’ve just looped one hundred times.